i have a question....

why is the thought of doing the wrong thing so tempting?

things that may be out of character like wanting to smoke sometimes or kissing that person that you know your not meant to, tempting, teasing, people jumping on the bar and dancing on there...having that little bit more fun cause your not meant to do it. why? why does feeling naughty or cheeky or secretive feel so damn good?

who says we cant do those things anyway...?

your likely to get sick from passive smoking even if you dont smoke yourself

if your single there should be no harm

you have nothing to lose by taking a chance once in awhile

your've kissed them a thousand times before

if the bouncers arent stopping you go for it

PLEASE ANSWER MY QUESTION!

ps doesnt matter if you dont cause im off to another country anyway and knowone will even know all that we get up to over there....

so i can feed my addiction and get a high [secrectly]

you took the words right out of my mouth

this post has to be in gold writing because it matches my mood.... ive just finished reading blogs from my lovely ladies with whom i am travelling to europe with and they have described the feelings...I AM SO EXCITED THAT I MIGHT JUST CRY! [except my brain is saying, fuck, thought you would have had enough of that emotional stuff by now you pansy] however, my nervousness has gone, GONE I TELL YOU! and now im counting these last two sleeps down with glee and pure thrill... i cant wait to experience something so new and out of my every day life, a form of escape that wont harm me but expand my mind, my well-being, my capabilities, my happiness and my love.

on a similar note, last night i had a bbq with some close friends and it was so nice, cruisy and just so much fun...everyone got along really well, the food was awsome cause it was some of mums and dads specialties and i couldnt think of a better way to spend one of my last nights in this country...or with better people, you all truely mean a lot to me :)

get your happy/party pants on cause the awsomeness doesnt end there....tomorrow night we will be sinning again, though im not too sure how literal it will be this time? we'll seeeeeee

its not too late

ahhhhh today, getting organised can give me a headache...and indeed i have one, but thats because im eeeeeel and not cause we booked up a frenzy today and whipped our butts into gear and got all crazy and actually thought about the last month and not just "yeah, we'll wing it when we get there, maybe spain, maybe berlin...whatever". we are locked in and we are seriously ready to go now and right this second its a nice feeling. i must say, this feeling may be prone to change at any second now [it seems to be the fashion in my head at the moment].

for those of you who have never left everything and pretty much everyone you know and who are your security and your comfort for awhile, let me tell you> its a very strange feeling preparing yourself to do so. all i can tell you from my own personal experience is its very emotional because even though you may not necessarily want to stay put, its hard to know you cant fall back on your home or friends, your every day life is going to change in most ways...your a time difference and a hell of a lot of miles away from it all.

my dad once told me that "you can run away all you like ang, but your problems will always follow you, so its better to deal with them before you go". I dont think i have enough luggage allowance for emotional baggage so im trying to sort myself out before i go...but yet i dont see any other way of leaving some things behind without actually leaving. this country, this place, this mind at times. it might be time for me to learn this lesson for myself? i guess i dont have any choice do i?

mums being very secretive about tomorrow night...she wont tell me whats going on but has made references that something is going on. hope its fun!! naive just came onto my ipod and it reminds me of dancing on the chairs when we first moved into the little house of dreams, such wonderful, awsome times.

i have a mozzie bite on my face :( its itchy and i want it to go away asap.

i want people to write me letters for the plane; light-hearted, serious, happy, deep, shallow, naive and childish letters. it doesnt matter what they contain but it would really make my day and it might take my mind of this confusion!

do it, eh, do it.

i know better

i need sleep desperately cause im getting sick.
im listening to john butler trio while im in a shit mood.
its not helping.
i am feeling lame.
i wish i had a crystal ball like the one i had in my dream that let me see what i wanted to see so badly.
the answer is staring me in the face, i think..
but its written in pencil and i keep erasing it so i cant see it.
fuck this.
im outta here.
basically six days to go.
this past month can go die.

Barking Mad

Where did my mind go last night....? going away drinks, deciding to drink, making the call to follow the night wherever it may lead, naive, feeling helpless for a friend, creepy guys, warnings, dancing on an empty dancefloor, vip area glares, boys boys boys and girls too, being told i was going to get taken advantage of by a guy that got dragged out of 4play, fights, free drinks, random chats which made me happy/sad/thoughtful/made me want to drink more and some that made me want to drink less, an intimate crowd dancing to cassette kids, jager bomb jager bomb, closet hiding...quick run away, d and m's, one final good decision to go home instead of lambys and save ourselves for the next sin sesh, TAXI, no maccas, car sleeping, freezing half to death, spooning, PULL OVER and asleep once more in chloes room to be awaken only an hour later for work and home time.

now off to buy thermals and trying to stop mum from buying me disposable underwear....she wont listen :S

betterman

today has been quite cool and im again feeling happy and so my nostrils have stopped flaring (phewf). i also feel a bit more settled about the massive changes that are constantly on my mind at the moment pulling my emotions every whichway making me a walking sac of feelings... knowing that you have a security blanket which is strong, secure and has a minky lining that is good to snuggle down under is truely a beautiful eye-opener. today i thought about my closest friends and i am so thankful and gracious and damn lucky to have them in my life; they make me feel like a rich person and i know no matter how shit things seem, there will ALWAYS be a silver lining with them around. they listen to my problems, as little and annoying or big and scary that they seem they will sit with me drinking tea and helping sort things out> not making decisions for me, but helping me see every picture from every possible angle, broadening my mind and allowing me to become a better person, a nicer person and they calm my senses every time. they know the real me and have taken the time out to find out who i am and not dismissed me as the person who they want me to be, who they thought id be or thought they were too cool to know me. to be truely accepted is such a nice feeling and one that doesnt always come about in friendships or your relationships with people and sometimes not even with yourself. i feel sorry for people who dont think they are worth being accepted because they will never experience the this feeling of freedom and knowledge. i am so lucky because after a long journey i realised that im not a bad person and after that realisation i became friends with two of the most genuine girls i have ever known. they are wonderful, beautiful and are a huge part of my world and my being. i also have a few others that i could tell anything to and know that they would still be there for me to help me out.. yesterday, i added someone else to that group of whom i was uncertain i would ever have the chance to rely on or allow myself to rely on and it was very comforting to let them help me because i really needed a hand and they were like a refreshing glass of cordial on the situation.
9 days until we go and i finally feel prepared to take the plunge> take a chance :)

ps listen to betterman by john butler trio and tiny dancer (any version)
these were the songs i listened to whilst writing this blog and those two songs make feel so good!
ps WARNING: betterman can make you sad if your in a bit of a sadsy mood or if you listen to the lyrics and your going through something similar....

pps if your trying to impress someone you think is sexy NEVER call them a HAZARD or call them DANGEROUS...ive made both of these mistakes, one of the guys i said this to was a mistake too HAHAHAHAHA his rossi boots did things to me though even though he was rather obese but the other one is still sexy and i dont think he thinks im a total douche, however, it is very risky and you may not make it through the conversation with 1) exchanged phone numbers, 2) a kiss, 3) you may not get to finish the conversation in the first place cause they might just turn and walk away (the first dude, though i like to think we just got pulled apart by the massive uni crowds :S)

ppps in total difference to the pps above, dont take dating advice from me cause in my own way i am very bad at getting boys attention and whenever i try to be sexy or alluring things happen such as my skirt falling off, i hit myself in the head with things (accidently! geez), i lose my ability to talk, i turn into a cougar, i fall over or trip myself with my feet, i got excited by rossi boots and a hairy mole, my last boyfriend was about 80 with huge sunnies and a walking stick (he wasnt really but he was my fake one!), i have an over-fondness for fake moustaches and its probably in your best intentions to do your own thing and just be confident in yourself....

waiting on a sharp knife

Today i was blue over you, you and you. It is so weird that one person can say something and it can cause you discomfort and pain and yet another person can say the exact same words and your heart lifts and you feel so happy..? life is filled with relationships and im not just talking about those confusing and interesting ones with the people we fall in love/like/lust with either...there are those with your friends and with yourself. ive always known that both of these last ones were greatly important because constant events throughout my life have taught me that you need support. Over a long time i figured out that its vital to have a strong, stable and loving relationship with yourself but i also realised how important communication is with close friends and those who you fall in love with too and..just as importantly also with yourself. Recently i forgot to tell myself to ask someone very close to me for that little bit extra help in a much needed time and i let them slip by because they did the same thing. we can be such silly beings at times and as always i found such important things out but at a time where it may be too late. i may kick myself if i dont say things that i want to but i guess im writing this to figure out my thoughts as they are so jumbled because of other people right now. i think i need some time with me first, because if i can secure that relationship...all my others should follow suit.

fingers crossed.

a thousand words

picture from before our party....

creeps annoymous

Today started off well..i had an awsome sleep-in after some wicked dreams that for once weren't about evil cavemen, people breaking into my house, shooting me in the leg or anything else scary but were actually semi normal and rather exciting! then i dagged around and watched 'my big fat greek wedding' parts of it with dad and i talking in what we think is greek (english with a very bad greek accent).. but then i messaged a friend for his birthday which id forgotten was a few days ago and things went a little downhill with him being a creeep again and saying all things that i do not want to hear... i forgot how easily i attract weird people and it reminded me of how careful i'll have to be in europe because i have a serious problem! However apart from this distraction things have been great, on the weekend chloe, tess and i had our going away party and it was so much fun and just awsome to have our closest friends all in the same room...not that either of us got to talk to everyone because of 1) amounts of alcohol consumed made talking rather hard at stages and 2) there were too many people and not nearly enough time to chat to everyone...but as we looked through our photos, memories came back to all three of us whilst i ate my McChicken, tess with her cheeseburger (i think) and chloe in a little bit of a bad state with her toast! then after a long time we felt like we could stand to head out the door and not get motion or any other type of sickness and headed to the barking dog to get up to all kinds of mischief, i got on the beers again and though tess had to leave early, chloe and i talked, sneaked, drank and danced with crew till the very end when the bouncer announced that we really did have to leave as the dog was closing and finalised this with a massive slap on my bum... its all in the genes

The Beginning...

Over the past six months things in my life have changed so much, most of it has been awsome! way better than just good...and then there has been some bad and sad times too, but you get that. About 5 months ago a family friend asked me to house sit for four months and so one of my best friends and i moved into the little house of dreams and loved every minute! During this time there was a lot of partying, dressing up, important life lessons learnt, cooking and dancing and planning of our trip to europe with our other best friend! It was the best...however we have both just moved home and now getting ready to pack our bags for two months to travel around ireland, france, scottland, germany, spain and wherever else we end up!
So im hoping the good times dont stop coming for awhile and the partying keeps coming...