how did we get here?

its crazzzy but ive let so much go lately and it feels fantastic! even if you dont have something in your life all the time anymore, you have memories and whatever or whoever is not present anymore, still had a lot of purpose in your life at one point. it just really, really doesnt have to be at this point in time.

Such a simple lesson but one that knowone else can teach you. man it feels lovely to be growing up now. i have a lot more confidence in myself and it shows in the choices ive made and how ive handled them. a few years ago i would never have been able to let someone, that i let into my life easily, out of it just as easily and be so ok with it. i do not need to hold on cause it was great, is great when they are here. or there.

other people take you longer to let go, but when you do its amazing and you feel a good sense of pride for yourself.

i let anger go. its much simpler to do when people co-operate and leave you alone as you asked them too, it shows a sign of respect, even if that respect is very mild. and for that im thankful.

i once again have a brand new slate, even if the past is still there, it is no longer in my present.

nice weather, fantastic conclusions!

Its been a long time coming...

I havent written since I was in europe...which seems like a lifetime ago. so much has happened since then...and if im honest, in some areas, so little. i dont think we should ever try to plan our lives because when has that plan ever worked out for anyone? id really like to know!

when your younger you see yourself and imagine yourself to be a certain way when you "grow up". I have definatley grown upwards...gotten closer to the sky, but i think i was more ambitious and head-strong and mature when i was younger, naive yes, but im still naive now aswell. so naive. even though i think i have thick skin i still let people in way too easily. now days im only growing out, out of the skin which i thought id heavily encased myself in. im not who i thought i was, or who i thought i would be. its not necessarily a bad thing, i can handle this....

there is just too much to confuse you in life. it seemed much less complicated overseas because you forget the bad times when your distanced from them and you only remember the good times. the answer doesnt seem hard to find because nothings confusing you.

until you get home. and you realise peoples indifference towards you. and you realise the answers were too easy and that you were stupid to think that they could ever be realistic, just daydreams.

i still want to dream though, because dreaming allows me to go back to who i was and who i wanted to be, take me away from the people i never wanted to turn into and make me want better for myself.

TODAY IN ACE VENTURA

was awsome, everything has been funny and we have all been delirious...
feeling fluey wasnt much fun but after my nanna nap this arvo ive been back on top of the world! theres not a wench in the world who can take that away from me right now cause i feel like im exactly where im meant to be and thats a great feeling...too bad im leaving right where im meant to be in 9 days...SHIIIIT
ah well im sure iĺl sort myself out no matter what, ive found i can look out for myself quite good now! and i have some great people and met some great people who have made me feel great ahahahaha whoop
ps never ever again do i want to see a whole dead piglet for sale...oh yep two here, straight up please!? who wants that for their birthday?
cant wait to get down with some crew from home though, ive missed some people on the dancefloor...
but i really cant wait to see whats going to happen at home aswell, cause clean slates allow many oppotunities
ps this football team is really annoying...get them away from us

barcelona: you dont eat eyeballs? ooh too bad!

maybe if i ate some mine would come back but right now they feel like they have melted out of my eye sockets which is rather alarming to say the least...just left berlin where we caught up with our mates from our tour again and im so stoked that we actually could! hanging with the boys again was exactly what the doctor ordered and having them in our room just made it even funner cause it was like a big slumber party for three days, too bad the first thing i saw was meercat everymorning though haha kidding jackson... however, i dont think i slept properly once after us girls crashed on that first day and the boys came back to the room and turned the lights on, drinking, partying and having an awsome time was the only thing on the menu (and the odd massive cheeseburger too). happy hour which was ridiculously cheap, pub crawl and quiz mania...tugging on the ears, dancing with prostitutes, getting lost in the back of the nightclub, watching harry jump a gazillion stairs and eaglehouse ·pantsdown· rock and soulja boy with ziggy, pool, sexy red, pints and razzmopolitans... it didnt stop! and im so glad, it had been a little while since we partied that hard and it was refreshing! now back to a little more of a cruisy pace in spain before heading to portugal and staying at the rising cock in lagos which has an awsome rep for being the best hostel around...
getting here was pretty mad hectic though, so many angry germans yelling at us in german which was quite scary on the tube when it was -19 degrees at 7 in the morning cause we had our big bags, two flights and two bus rides and another train ride later and we got to our hostel which seems nice...when we went to get dinner we realised we couldnt understand any spanish at all and when we looked at the pictures it was of egg and chips and tomato and chicken> just random assortments of foods, or foul looking stuff that looked like lungs (and probably was) in a tomato sauce :( after getting lost for an hour cause we took a wrong fork in the road and finding our way back to our hostel we saw telepizza across the road which saved our lives and our sanity...we were all quite delirious by this stage! but now that we are fed and cosy i cant wait to check out spain and all it has to offer, better make the most of it too, i go home in less than two weeks and who knows what awaits me there? some areas are looking pretty bleak and at one stage earlier this week i wanted my eyeballs out of my head (so be careful what you wish for) and i wish i could be niave and not know or realise what i saw and i guess i dont 100% know, but at the same time im nearly that sure of whats been going down...but i guess part of growing up and getting older is to know that you just need to get over things and sometimes you really do have to let people go at times even if its the last thing that you thought youd ever have to do or want to do...
WHO KNOWS? hopefully i do by the time i get back, times running ouuuuut haha a spanish version of last christmas just came on, it has been everywhere...gotta love george!
i leave you now, the big man
i think i need to shower just quietly
actually, no need to be quiet, knowone knows what im saying and if i did yell that out theyd probably try to shove a lung down my throat
x

travelling through a world of time....

i am having the time of my life.
so far ive been to eight different countries with some totally awsome crew...my favourite place was lauterbrunnen in switzerland, just for its natural beauty and simplicity...not one gigantic building and yet it had the power to make you stare in wonder for hours>took my breath and my bra away, literally...seedy barman. in a completely opposite style i loved paris for its all of its buildings, the history behind them and the complexity and the way the city is busy as but its so easy to get around and organised is amazing...it really did live up to expectations, i was quite prone to stop and stare and snap away like the tourist i am for ages, wonderful place.
we spent time in some other fantastic places, venice was so different to anything ive ever seen or will see again so it was a highlight, also the hotel we stayed in there was AWSOME! double beds to yourself and hot showers for ages...and then in our classy styles boxhead until the early hours of the mornings..
in saying it was an awsome hotel, none of the places we have stayed at have been bad..not a cockroach in sight, which after japan is a huge relief haha in austria we stayed at the coolest hostel, best bar, big rooms shared with my favourite girls, right next to our best guy friends room, running around the hallways, good showers and good times lol......
in switzerland we stayed in camping cabins in the middle of huge snowy mountains which was a scary thought when we first arrived as in "im going to die and be a frozen log in the middle of nowhere...tell my family i love them" type of thing...but it was an awsome experience, especially when you have to strip off cause your too hot! never would have thought [also had two snowball fights which were the best]
amsterdam was fun as but i didnt see too much of the town i must say....i had a ball there but an experience im glad ive had but NEVER want to repeat is riding a bike around the whole place after indulging in the local produce, crossing roads even when the lights change is a death wish, a gazillion bike riders everywhere, nearly ran into that many cars, posts, a friggin truck that backed back and blocked me and kyle off from the group....but riding around the park was great until poodle kinevil nearly killed tess, a man yelling out for us to stop and tess yelling back "i would if i couuuuuuld" hahaha good times..i didnt know what to expect but it was weird and if i couldve it wouldve opened my eyes, the sex trade is so open, sitting front row at the sex show was definately different and i just had an awed expression on my face the whole time apparently but it was rad to see! haha
and now our tour is over and we have said goodbye to nearly everyone except for some of the guys who we're spending the next few days with...but saying goodbye to some of the girls was devastating, cant believe friendships can be accelerated so much in such a short time, amy horse told me just before i left that once your overseas everyone that you know becomes your best friend and its so true, we've spent 24/7 with these people and now its weird that we arent going to see them until they come down in feb and then after that who knows? :(
but i have the best memories with them so thats something to take away with me.
and now we are back in london, sleeping in for a bit thismorning was soooo good, no six o'clock starts anymore unless we are getting on a plane, and it will be great to relax the pace again, today we are meeting up with the boys and heading to the tate modern museum and then seeing where the day/night takes us....
got my suitcase back and am no longer living out of a small backpack, but i have mixed feelings about this as i had so much freedom with that backpack but its cool to get some extra clothes even if it means a big case with it.. i now know i could have left half of what ive brought with me behind, but a new lesson learnt

hopefully i'll be able to upload some photos soon, TAG ME! hahahaha

i have a question....

why is the thought of doing the wrong thing so tempting?

things that may be out of character like wanting to smoke sometimes or kissing that person that you know your not meant to, tempting, teasing, people jumping on the bar and dancing on there...having that little bit more fun cause your not meant to do it. why? why does feeling naughty or cheeky or secretive feel so damn good?

who says we cant do those things anyway...?

your likely to get sick from passive smoking even if you dont smoke yourself

if your single there should be no harm

you have nothing to lose by taking a chance once in awhile

your've kissed them a thousand times before

if the bouncers arent stopping you go for it

PLEASE ANSWER MY QUESTION!

ps doesnt matter if you dont cause im off to another country anyway and knowone will even know all that we get up to over there....

so i can feed my addiction and get a high [secrectly]

you took the words right out of my mouth

this post has to be in gold writing because it matches my mood.... ive just finished reading blogs from my lovely ladies with whom i am travelling to europe with and they have described the feelings...I AM SO EXCITED THAT I MIGHT JUST CRY! [except my brain is saying, fuck, thought you would have had enough of that emotional stuff by now you pansy] however, my nervousness has gone, GONE I TELL YOU! and now im counting these last two sleeps down with glee and pure thrill... i cant wait to experience something so new and out of my every day life, a form of escape that wont harm me but expand my mind, my well-being, my capabilities, my happiness and my love.

on a similar note, last night i had a bbq with some close friends and it was so nice, cruisy and just so much fun...everyone got along really well, the food was awsome cause it was some of mums and dads specialties and i couldnt think of a better way to spend one of my last nights in this country...or with better people, you all truely mean a lot to me :)

get your happy/party pants on cause the awsomeness doesnt end there....tomorrow night we will be sinning again, though im not too sure how literal it will be this time? we'll seeeeeee