Hampster Wheels

how did we get here?

2009-04-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

its crazzzy but ive let so much go lately and it feels fantastic! even if you dont have something in your life all the time anymore, you have memories and whatever or whoever is not present anymore, still had a lot of purpose in your life at one point. it just really, really doesnt have to be at this point in time.

Such a simple lesson but one that knowone else can teach you. man it feels lovely to be growing up now. i have a lot more confidence in myself and it shows in the choices ive made and how ive handled them. a few years ago i would never have been able to let someone, that i let into my life easily, out of it just as easily and be so ok with it. i do not need to hold on cause it was great, is great when they are here. or there.

other people take you longer to let go, but when you do its amazing and you feel a good sense of pride for yourself.

i let anger go. its much simpler to do when people co-operate and leave you alone as you asked them too, it shows a sign of respect, even if that respect is very mild. and for that im thankful.

i once again have a brand new slate, even if the past is still there, it is no longer in my present.

nice weather, fantastic conclusions!

Its been a long time coming...

2009-02-24T18:27:00.000-08:00

I havent written since I was in europe...which seems like a lifetime ago. so much has happened since then...and if im honest, in some areas, so little. i dont think we should ever try to plan our lives because when has that plan ever worked out for anyone? id really like to know!

when your younger you see yourself and imagine yourself to be a certain way when you "grow up". I have definatley grown upwards...gotten closer to the sky, but i think i was more ambitious and head-strong and mature when i was younger, naive yes, but im still naive now aswell. so naive. even though i think i have thick skin i still let people in way too easily. now days im only growing out, out of the skin which i thought id heavily encased myself in. im not who i thought i was, or who i thought i would be. its not necessarily a bad thing, i can handle this....

there is just too much to confuse you in life. it seemed much less complicated overseas because you forget the bad times when your distanced from them and you only remember the good times. the answer doesnt seem hard to find because nothings confusing you.

until you get home. and you realise peoples indifference towards you. and you realise the answers were too easy and that you were stupid to think that they could ever be realistic, just daydreams.

i still want to dream though, because dreaming allows me to go back to who i was and who i wanted to be, take me away from the people i never wanted to turn into and make me want better for myself.

TODAY IN ACE VENTURA

2009-01-10T11:37:00.000-08:00

was awsome, everything has been funny and we have all been delirious...
feeling fluey wasnt much fun but after my nanna nap this arvo ive been back on top of the world! theres not a wench in the world who can take that away from me right now cause i feel like im exactly where im meant to be and thats a great feeling...too bad im leaving right where im meant to be in 9 days...SHIIIIT
ah well im sure iĺl sort myself out no matter what, ive found i can look out for myself quite good now! and i have some great people and met some great people who have made me feel great ahahahaha whoop
ps never ever again do i want to see a whole dead piglet for sale...oh yep two here, straight up please!? who wants that for their birthday?
cant wait to get down with some crew from home though, ive missed some people on the dancefloor...
but i really cant wait to see whats going to happen at home aswell, cause clean slates allow many oppotunities
ps this football team is really annoying...get them away from us

barcelona: you dont eat eyeballs? ooh too bad!

2009-01-07T12:03:00.000-08:00

maybe if i ate some mine would come back but right now they feel like they have melted out of my eye sockets which is rather alarming to say the least...just left berlin where we caught up with our mates from our tour again and im so stoked that we actually could! hanging with the boys again was exactly what the doctor ordered and having them in our room just made it even funner cause it was like a big slumber party for three days, too bad the first thing i saw was meercat everymorning though haha kidding jackson... however, i dont think i slept properly once after us girls crashed on that first day and the boys came back to the room and turned the lights on, drinking, partying and having an awsome time was the only thing on the menu (and the odd massive cheeseburger too). happy hour which was ridiculously cheap, pub crawl and quiz mania...tugging on the ears, dancing with prostitutes, getting lost in the back of the nightclub, watching harry jump a gazillion stairs and eaglehouse ·pantsdown· rock and soulja boy with ziggy, pool, sexy red, pints and razzmopolitans... it didnt stop! and im so glad, it had been a little while since we partied that hard and it was refreshing! now back to a little more of a cruisy pace in spain before heading to portugal and staying at the rising cock in lagos which has an awsome rep for being the best hostel around...
getting here was pretty mad hectic though, so many angry germans yelling at us in german which was quite scary on the tube when it was -19 degrees at 7 in the morning cause we had our big bags, two flights and two bus rides and another train ride later and we got to our hostel which seems nice...when we went to get dinner we realised we couldnt understand any spanish at all and when we looked at the pictures it was of egg and chips and tomato and chicken> just random assortments of foods, or foul looking stuff that looked like lungs (and probably was) in a tomato sauce :( after getting lost for an hour cause we took a wrong fork in the road and finding our way back to our hostel we saw telepizza across the road which saved our lives and our sanity...we were all quite delirious by this stage! but now that we are fed and cosy i cant wait to check out spain and all it has to offer, better make the most of it too, i go home in less than two weeks and who knows what awaits me there? some areas are looking pretty bleak and at one stage earlier this week i wanted my eyeballs out of my head (so be careful what you wish for) and i wish i could be niave and not know or realise what i saw and i guess i dont 100% know, but at the same time im nearly that sure of whats been going down...but i guess part of growing up and getting older is to know that you just need to get over things and sometimes you really do have to let people go at times even if its the last thing that you thought youd ever have to do or want to do...
WHO KNOWS? hopefully i do by the time i get back, times running ouuuuut haha a spanish version of last christmas just came on, it has been everywhere...gotta love george!
i leave you now, the big man
i think i need to shower just quietly
actually, no need to be quiet, knowone knows what im saying and if i did yell that out theyd probably try to shove a lung down my throat
x

travelling through a world of time....

2008-12-17T03:03:00.000-08:00

i am having the time of my life.
so far ive been to eight different countries with some totally awsome crew...my favourite place was lauterbrunnen in switzerland, just for its natural beauty and simplicity...not one gigantic building and yet it had the power to make you stare in wonder for hours>took my breath and my bra away, literally...seedy barman. in a completely opposite style i loved paris for its all of its buildings, the history behind them and the complexity and the way the city is busy as but its so easy to get around and organised is amazing...it really did live up to expectations, i was quite prone to stop and stare and snap away like the tourist i am for ages, wonderful place.
we spent time in some other fantastic places, venice was so different to anything ive ever seen or will see again so it was a highlight, also the hotel we stayed in there was AWSOME! double beds to yourself and hot showers for ages...and then in our classy styles boxhead until the early hours of the mornings..
in saying it was an awsome hotel, none of the places we have stayed at have been bad..not a cockroach in sight, which after japan is a huge relief haha in austria we stayed at the coolest hostel, best bar, big rooms shared with my favourite girls, right next to our best guy friends room, running around the hallways, good showers and good times lol......
in switzerland we stayed in camping cabins in the middle of huge snowy mountains which was a scary thought when we first arrived as in "im going to die and be a frozen log in the middle of nowhere...tell my family i love them" type of thing...but it was an awsome experience, especially when you have to strip off cause your too hot! never would have thought [also had two snowball fights which were the best]
amsterdam was fun as but i didnt see too much of the town i must say....i had a ball there but an experience im glad ive had but NEVER want to repeat is riding a bike around the whole place after indulging in the local produce, crossing roads even when the lights change is a death wish, a gazillion bike riders everywhere, nearly ran into that many cars, posts, a friggin truck that backed back and blocked me and kyle off from the group....but riding around the park was great until poodle kinevil nearly killed tess, a man yelling out for us to stop and tess yelling back "i would if i couuuuuuld" hahaha good times..i didnt know what to expect but it was weird and if i couldve it wouldve opened my eyes, the sex trade is so open, sitting front row at the sex show was definately different and i just had an awed expression on my face the whole time apparently but it was rad to see! haha
and now our tour is over and we have said goodbye to nearly everyone except for some of the guys who we're spending the next few days with...but saying goodbye to some of the girls was devastating, cant believe friendships can be accelerated so much in such a short time, amy horse told me just before i left that once your overseas everyone that you know becomes your best friend and its so true, we've spent 24/7 with these people and now its weird that we arent going to see them until they come down in feb and then after that who knows? :(
but i have the best memories with them so thats something to take away with me.
and now we are back in london, sleeping in for a bit thismorning was soooo good, no six o'clock starts anymore unless we are getting on a plane, and it will be great to relax the pace again, today we are meeting up with the boys and heading to the tate modern museum and then seeing where the day/night takes us....
got my suitcase back and am no longer living out of a small backpack, but i have mixed feelings about this as i had so much freedom with that backpack but its cool to get some extra clothes even if it means a big case with it.. i now know i could have left half of what ive brought with me behind, but a new lesson learnt

hopefully i'll be able to upload some photos soon, TAG ME! hahahaha

i have a question....

2008-11-30T15:10:00.000-08:00

why is the thought of doing the wrong thing so tempting?

things that may be out of character like wanting to smoke sometimes or kissing that person that you know your not meant to, tempting, teasing, people jumping on the bar and dancing on there...having that little bit more fun cause your not meant to do it. why? why does feeling naughty or cheeky or secretive feel so damn good?

who says we cant do those things anyway...?

your likely to get sick from passive smoking even if you dont smoke yourself

if your single there should be no harm

you have nothing to lose by taking a chance once in awhile

your've kissed them a thousand times before

if the bouncers arent stopping you go for it

PLEASE ANSWER MY QUESTION!

ps doesnt matter if you dont cause im off to another country anyway and knowone will even know all that we get up to over there....

so i can feed my addiction and get a high [secrectly]

you took the words right out of my mouth

2008-11-28T21:41:00.000-08:00

this post has to be in gold writing because it matches my mood.... ive just finished reading blogs from my lovely ladies with whom i am travelling to europe with and they have described the feelings...I AM SO EXCITED THAT I MIGHT JUST CRY! [except my brain is saying, fuck, thought you would have had enough of that emotional stuff by now you pansy] however, my nervousness has gone, GONE I TELL YOU! and now im counting these last two sleeps down with glee and pure thrill... i cant wait to experience something so new and out of my every day life, a form of escape that wont harm me but expand my mind, my well-being, my capabilities, my happiness and my love.

on a similar note, last night i had a bbq with some close friends and it was so nice, cruisy and just so much fun...everyone got along really well, the food was awsome cause it was some of mums and dads specialties and i couldnt think of a better way to spend one of my last nights in this country...or with better people, you all truely mean a lot to me :)

get your happy/party pants on cause the awsomeness doesnt end there....tomorrow night we will be sinning again, though im not too sure how literal it will be this time? we'll seeeeeee

its not too late

2008-11-25T04:22:00.000-08:00

ahhhhh today, getting organised can give me a headache...and indeed i have one, but thats because im eeeeeel and not cause we booked up a frenzy today and whipped our butts into gear and got all crazy and actually thought about the last month and not just "yeah, we'll wing it when we get there, maybe spain, maybe berlin...whatever". we are locked in and we are seriously ready to go now and right this second its a nice feeling. i must say, this feeling may be prone to change at any second now [it seems to be the fashion in my head at the moment].

for those of you who have never left everything and pretty much everyone you know and who are your security and your comfort for awhile, let me tell you> its a very strange feeling preparing yourself to do so. all i can tell you from my own personal experience is its very emotional because even though you may not necessarily want to stay put, its hard to know you cant fall back on your home or friends, your every day life is going to change in most ways...your a time difference and a hell of a lot of miles away from it all.

my dad once told me that "you can run away all you like ang, but your problems will always follow you, so its better to deal with them before you go". I dont think i have enough luggage allowance for emotional baggage so im trying to sort myself out before i go...but yet i dont see any other way of leaving some things behind without actually leaving. this country, this place, this mind at times. it might be time for me to learn this lesson for myself? i guess i dont have any choice do i?

mums being very secretive about tomorrow night...she wont tell me whats going on but has made references that something is going on. hope its fun!! naive just came onto my ipod and it reminds me of dancing on the chairs when we first moved into the little house of dreams, such wonderful, awsome times.

i have a mozzie bite on my face :( its itchy and i want it to go away asap.

i want people to write me letters for the plane; light-hearted, serious, happy, deep, shallow, naive and childish letters. it doesnt matter what they contain but it would really make my day and it might take my mind of this confusion!

do it, eh, do it.

i know better

2008-11-24T03:44:00.000-08:00

i need sleep desperately cause im getting sick.
im listening to john butler trio while im in a shit mood.
its not helping.
i am feeling lame.
i wish i had a crystal ball like the one i had in my dream that let me see what i wanted to see so badly.
the answer is staring me in the face, i think..
but its written in pencil and i keep erasing it so i cant see it.
fuck this.
im outta here.
basically six days to go.
this past month can go die.

Barking Mad

2008-11-23T17:21:00.000-08:00

Where did my mind go last night....? going away drinks, deciding to drink, making the call to follow the night wherever it may lead, naive, feeling helpless for a friend, creepy guys, warnings, dancing on an empty dancefloor, vip area glares, boys boys boys and girls too, being told i was going to get taken advantage of by a guy that got dragged out of 4play, fights, free drinks, random chats which made me happy/sad/thoughtful/made me want to drink more and some that made me want to drink less, an intimate crowd dancing to cassette kids, jager bomb jager bomb, closet hiding...quick run away, d and m's, one final good decision to go home instead of lambys and save ourselves for the next sin sesh, TAXI, no maccas, car sleeping, freezing half to death, spooning, PULL OVER and asleep once more in chloes room to be awaken only an hour later for work and home time.

now off to buy thermals and trying to stop mum from buying me disposable underwear....she wont listen :S

betterman

2008-11-21T22:03:00.000-08:00

today has been quite cool and im again feeling happy and so my nostrils have stopped flaring (phewf). i also feel a bit more settled about the massive changes that are constantly on my mind at the moment pulling my emotions every whichway making me a walking sac of feelings... knowing that you have a security blanket which is strong, secure and has a minky lining that is good to snuggle down under is truely a beautiful eye-opener. today i thought about my closest friends and i am so thankful and gracious and damn lucky to have them in my life; they make me feel like a rich person and i know no matter how shit things seem, there will ALWAYS be a silver lining with them around. they listen to my problems, as little and annoying or big and scary that they seem they will sit with me drinking tea and helping sort things out> not making decisions for me, but helping me see every picture from every possible angle, broadening my mind and allowing me to become a better person, a nicer person and they calm my senses every time. they know the real me and have taken the time out to find out who i am and not dismissed me as the person who they want me to be, who they thought id be or thought they were too cool to know me. to be truely accepted is such a nice feeling and one that doesnt always come about in friendships or your relationships with people and sometimes not even with yourself. i feel sorry for people who dont think they are worth being accepted because they will never experience the this feeling of freedom and knowledge. i am so lucky because after a long journey i realised that im not a bad person and after that realisation i became friends with two of the most genuine girls i have ever known. they are wonderful, beautiful and are a huge part of my world and my being. i also have a few others that i could tell anything to and know that they would still be there for me to help me out.. yesterday, i added someone else to that group of whom i was uncertain i would ever have the chance to rely on or allow myself to rely on and it was very comforting to let them help me because i really needed a hand and they were like a refreshing glass of cordial on the situation.
9 days until we go and i finally feel prepared to take the plunge> take a chance :)

ps listen to betterman by john butler trio and tiny dancer (any version)
these were the songs i listened to whilst writing this blog and those two songs make feel so good!
ps WARNING: betterman can make you sad if your in a bit of a sadsy mood or if you listen to the lyrics and your going through something similar....

pps if your trying to impress someone you think is sexy NEVER call them a HAZARD or call them DANGEROUS...ive made both of these mistakes, one of the guys i said this to was a mistake too HAHAHAHAHA his rossi boots did things to me though even though he was rather obese but the other one is still sexy and i dont think he thinks im a total douche, however, it is very risky and you may not make it through the conversation with 1) exchanged phone numbers, 2) a kiss, 3) you may not get to finish the conversation in the first place cause they might just turn and walk away (the first dude, though i like to think we just got pulled apart by the massive uni crowds :S)

ppps in total difference to the pps above, dont take dating advice from me cause in my own way i am very bad at getting boys attention and whenever i try to be sexy or alluring things happen such as my skirt falling off, i hit myself in the head with things (accidently! geez), i lose my ability to talk, i turn into a cougar, i fall over or trip myself with my feet, i got excited by rossi boots and a hairy mole, my last boyfriend was about 80 with huge sunnies and a walking stick (he wasnt really but he was my fake one!), i have an over-fondness for fake moustaches and its probably in your best intentions to do your own thing and just be confident in yourself....

waiting on a sharp knife

2008-11-19T03:50:00.000-08:00

Today i was blue over you, you and you. It is so weird that one person can say something and it can cause you discomfort and pain and yet another person can say the exact same words and your heart lifts and you feel so happy..? life is filled with relationships and im not just talking about those confusing and interesting ones with the people we fall in love/like/lust with either...there are those with your friends and with yourself. ive always known that both of these last ones were greatly important because constant events throughout my life have taught me that you need support. Over a long time i figured out that its vital to have a strong, stable and loving relationship with yourself but i also realised how important communication is with close friends and those who you fall in love with too and..just as importantly also with yourself. Recently i forgot to tell myself to ask someone very close to me for that little bit extra help in a much needed time and i let them slip by because they did the same thing. we can be such silly beings at times and as always i found such important things out but at a time where it may be too late. i may kick myself if i dont say things that i want to but i guess im writing this to figure out my thoughts as they are so jumbled because of other people right now. i think i need some time with me first, because if i can secure that relationship...all my others should follow suit.

fingers crossed.

a thousand words

2008-11-18T20:20:00.000-08:00

picture from before our party....

creeps annoymous

2008-11-18T19:52:00.001-08:00

Today started off well..i had an awsome sleep-in after some wicked dreams that for once weren't about evil cavemen, people breaking into my house, shooting me in the leg or anything else scary but were actually semi normal and rather exciting! then i dagged around and watched 'my big fat greek wedding' parts of it with dad and i talking in what we think is greek (english with a very bad greek accent).. but then i messaged a friend for his birthday which id forgotten was a few days ago and things went a little downhill with him being a creeep again and saying all things that i do not want to hear... i forgot how easily i attract weird people and it reminded me of how careful i'll have to be in europe because i have a serious problem! However apart from this distraction things have been great, on the weekend chloe, tess and i had our going away party and it was so much fun and just awsome to have our closest friends all in the same room...not that either of us got to talk to everyone because of 1) amounts of alcohol consumed made talking rather hard at stages and 2) there were too many people and not nearly enough time to chat to everyone...but as we looked through our photos, memories came back to all three of us whilst i ate my McChicken, tess with her cheeseburger (i think) and chloe in a little bit of a bad state with her toast! then after a long time we felt like we could stand to head out the door and not get motion or any other type of sickness and headed to the barking dog to get up to all kinds of mischief, i got on the beers again and though tess had to leave early, chloe and i talked, sneaked, drank and danced with crew till the very end when the bouncer announced that we really did have to leave as the dog was closing and finalised this with a massive slap on my bum... its all in the genes

The Beginning...

2008-11-17T22:43:00.000-08:00

Over the past six months things in my life have changed so much, most of it has been awsome! way better than just good...and then there has been some bad and sad times too, but you get that. About 5 months ago a family friend asked me to house sit for four months and so one of my best friends and i moved into the little house of dreams and loved every minute! During this time there was a lot of partying, dressing up, important life lessons learnt, cooking and dancing and planning of our trip to europe with our other best friend! It was the best...however we have both just moved home and now getting ready to pack our bags for two months to travel around ireland, france, scottland, germany, spain and wherever else we end up!
So im hoping the good times dont stop coming for awhile and the partying keeps coming...